Dear Mom,

I am going to say some things to you that I have never said before and I want you to understand that my intention is not to hurt you but to purge myself of all the aggression, fear, and anger that I have towards you. I want to explain that we have been incapable of having a close relationship for the last sixteen years because I am afraid. I am afraid of being rejected. I am fearful of feeling helpless and being verbally attacked by you. In addition, I am afraid of relying on you for support only to be let down repeatedly. Let me explain.

I remember that you treated me lovingly when I was a little girl. We played games and traveled and we even talked. Nevertheless, as I got older, that loving relationship turned to disgust and hate. You began to treat me as if I was unworthy of being loved.
From an early age I knew that N was the daughter you always wanted, and no matter how hard I tried, I would not be her. No matter what she did wrong, you always supported her, but you always made me pay for every mistake, even when I did not make them. I remember that you made me sleep in a bathtub because you assumed that I was peeing in my bed when in fact, N was pouring water into my bed after I woke up. You never considered the possibility of that happening. You just assumed that I was horrible enough to pull my pants down and pee on my bed just for attention. When I was not feeling good, you called me crazy and said that I was just trying to get attention. However, you never considered the possibility that I was actually sick. In fact, when I ended up in the hospital after having an asthma attack, I remember hearing you tell the doctor that I was depressed and was trying to get attention when in fact the doctors over at SM diagnosed me with mild asthma and had given me an inhaler three years earlier.

When I became a teenager and started to become interested in boys, you automatically assumed that I was having sex with them. You called me a slut and a whore when I did not have sex with them. You yelled at me for what I was writing in my journal (left for you to read by N or C) without even trying to talk to me about it. You just assumed that I was, in your words, shacking up with different men when in fact someone who was supposed to be a friend had taken advantage of me. I know that you did not know this, but you never gave me the opportunity to even tell you because you always accused me of being this oversexed and horrible person.

I know that things were difficult for you as a single parent. I know it was hard to keep track of three girls when you had to work all the time. I also know that it was not purposeful. However, your lack of nurturing, your coldness, and your anger towards me was hurtful and made me feel unwanted and unloved.

Unfortunately, the emotional abuse seemed to get worse as I got older. Your criticism, verbal abuses, and complete disregard of my feelings made me feel inadequate. Any failures that I had or mistakes that I made were thrown in my face for years to come. You used them as attacks on my character and as proof that I was a screw-up. When I needed emotional support, you gave me nothing and yet you managed to exert extensive control over me. When I was having trouble in college you never tried to help me. You left me there with no money, and no support. Instead, because I had mostly male friends you accused me of going to college and sleeping around when I only had one boyfriend for almost two years there. When I moved back home, you would not give me money to get to school or even buy lunch. When I fet again to go back to a 4-year college, you said you would pay for things, but then changed your mind and never sent the money leaving me to drop down to part time because that was all I could afford on my own. You did not even give me money to buy books, yet you paid for my sister despite the money she stole from you at Howard. You always forced me to pay for the actions of my sisters because while you were fed up with them, I was really the only one around to take the frustration out on. You even accused me of stealing a tax check from you when I had not been home in over a year.

I felt unworthy, unwanted, unloved, and alone. I wondered why you hated me so much. I wondered why you adopted me if you did not want to love me. I spent so many nights trying to figure out what it was about me that was so horrible that my own mother hates me. I blamed myself for not living up to your standards and for not making things easier for you.

So many of my relationships have suffered because I never thought that I was good enough to be treated well. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of both physically and emotionally. In fact, when S cheated on me, I thought it was because I was incapable of being loved. I even resorted to lying to create a “perfect” me so that people would not find out who I really am. After all, I thought the real me was a monster who deserved to be treated badly. More importantly, I have been unable to find peace within myself because I am so scared of disappointing and failing others. I run from difficult task because I would rather “leave” than fail.

So what do I want from you? To be honest, I want you to acknowledge that you made mistakes that hurt me. I want you to stop holding me to unattainable standards. I want you to stop criticizing my looks, my clothing choice, my hairstyle, my career choice, and my relationships. I want you to stop throwing my mistakes and the actions of others in my face. I want you to stop holding me accountable for my sisters’ behavior or your weakness as a parent. I want you to stop pretending that you are going to help me. I want you to understand that I will not tolerate nor accept this abusive behavior any longer. I will subject my family to your cruelty or lack of compassion.

I am sorry that we could not have a good relationship. I am sorry that there is so much pain and resentment between us. While I know that we cannot go back, we can go forward. However, if we are going to have any kind of relationship, it will be on my terms. Until you are able to accept my ground rules, we will not be able to communicate.
I do not know you very well, and I am disappointed in that. I do know, however, that you do have the ability to be loving and caring. I remember the trips we used to take. I remember the Christmases we shared together. I remember the warmth. Those memories are what have helped me build a strong foundation for my own family with my husband and my daughter. I am confident that I will be OK and will be able to have a successful life now that I have acknowledged the pain that has held me back. Now it is up to you to acknowledge the truth.