My mother used to introduce me as the “athletic one”. My eldest sister was “the pretty one”.
My mother tried everything to make sure that people thought I was prettier. She forced me to wear traditionally girly clothes and did not like that I was so athletic. She wanted me to be a princess, but I just wanted to be me. She would tell me that because I was darker-skinned I needed to “soften my appearance”. Within the Black non-Community, there is a serious color complex- the lighter you are the better- and even as a child I knew this. I was the darker skinned of three girls. I never heard that I was beautiful. What I was told was “You’re pretty for a dark-skinned girl” or “You would be so pretty if you weren’t so dark.” Those comments were enough to make me hate myself- and they did. Years later. I engaged in behavior that I thought would make me prettier- promiscuity and bulimia. Lying and hiding.
I do not like boxes- being put in one. Boxes hide the whole. They force people to only look at a small portion of a person, and that is damaging to the soul. I look at my daughter and want more for her. I want her to be herself with out fear. I don’t want her my birracial child to have to choose one of two races. I don’t want her to be the short one, or the fat one or even the smart one because those tags are so limiting.
What we tell our children is so important. We may not see the results right away, but words have a way of burrowing down deep inside and festering away at one’s self-confidence. There are so many things in this world that can beat our children down, but parents should not be one of them.
What will you tell your children?
![[del.icio.us]](http://images.del.icio.us/static/img/delicious.small.gif){kind=small}
Tags: confidence, parenting, self-esteem, self-respect
July 2nd, 2008 at 12:02 am
My daughter is only 7 months old and I find myself trying to be careful of what I say to her. I suppose I end up saying something that’s related to what she’s doing. If she’s being cute I’ll tell her “Oh, you are so good at being cute!” or if she’s climbing something I’ll say “wow, look at you, you’re such a great climber.” I try to be positive about every situation because I want her to see herself in a positive light no matter what she’s doing. But it’s hard, because sometimes I wonder if I’m going to raise a girl that is full of herself. There seems to be a fine balance between raising a self conscious kid or raising a spoiled brat lol . I hope to avoid either one.
~Teresa
http://www.naturalbabybiz.com
Teresas last blog post..Is Your Baby’s Sunscreen Safe?
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:58 am
Can you believe this. My third attempt to post a comment…and this is the first time to get it through. My children seem to have the word “MOM” on their brain today. I finally shut the door. I guess I am not good hat wearing more than one hat today.
Anyway…I love this post. I have a 13 year old and a 7 year old that are so opposite. My 7 year old was not as “blessed” (not really my word of choice right now) with the easy path. He is not as talented in the sports category. Social catergory. Nor in the world in general. I want him to have no fear of looking at himself in the mirror and loving himself for what he is. In the looks category they almost look like twins. It is just the lack of things falling into place for him. I am in a constant struggle with how to help move along. I am very sensitive to others comparing the two. I know he doesn’t do what big brother does…nor do I want him to. I am happy with no matter what. It is just others seem to do the comparing and it does get so hard sometimes. Thank you for sharing the other side of the story with me. I want him to be complete and your post just reinforces that it is OK to let him be him. It is OK to not push his limits…in spite of what the world my think.
I love your site. I joined Mom Bloggers and your friend list. Keep being honest. There are so many of us that need our own positive influences. I need to look in the mirror and not fear who I am.